


According To Keikaku: A tale of krab-squid love and shit.

by fabiosisalert, minklemore



Category: Sin - Fandom, SpongeBob SquarePants (Cartoon)
Genre: Amputation, An exorcism happens, Angst, Body Fluids that arent cum, Body Horror, Boys Love - Freeform, Cannibalism, Cool ANimu Desus, Coprophillia, Crying Fetish, Cum Play, Dirty Talk, Dominatrix Squidward, Emetophobia, Friendship, Gore, Hurt/Comfort but the comfort is shit, In Public, Joe Biden Memes, Lemon, M/M, Masochism, Mr Krabs Is a power bottom if thats what ur into, Nipple Play, Nipple Torture, Oral Fixation, Power Play, Public Sex, Reference to 50 shades of grey, Repressed Emotions, Roleplay, Roleplay Logs, Scat, Sexual Roleplay, Slash, Slice of Life, Tentacles, The Bastardization of The Japanese Language, The End, Trust Issues, Uke Desu Krabu Kun, Vomit Mmm boi, Yaoi, gay aquatic sea creatures dont like dont read, mentions of iggy, roleplay format, spongebob roleplay, trigger warning iggy azalea, unrequited feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-27
Updated: 2015-07-27
Packaged: 2018-04-11 15:16:15
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,004
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4440806
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fabiosisalert/pseuds/fabiosisalert, https://archiveofourown.org/users/minklemore/pseuds/minklemore
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>[4:17 PM] The RAINBOW SHIT Marrying Groom:<br/>didn't i say in the Skype chat what i wanted the summary for this to be. if it was on the phone we r screwed and we just gotta think of a summary now</p><p>[4:18 PM] The RAINBOW SHIT Marrying Bride:<br/>idk i don't remember but the summary is mostly just Mr Krabs and Squidward finally get their sexual tension out in the open and unveil their strange and dangerous kinks</p>
            </blockquote>





	According To Keikaku: A tale of krab-squid love and shit.

**Author's Note:**

  * For [a third grade english teacher who gave minklemore a dirty book of children poems](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=a+third+grade+english+teacher+who+gave+minklemore+a+dirty+book+of+children+poems).



> ฅ(*ΦωΦ*) ฅ
> 
> welcome to hell.  
> this is a personal rp~~~~~ that minklemore and minklemore's lovely mommy fabiosisalert made. 
> 
> the bolded text is krabs pov  
> and the italicized is squidward pov
> 
> our skype chat names r still there bc they add personality and reflect art or something.

_[4/5/2015 12:10:00 AM] The ASS BEAN Marrying Bride: but mr krabs, what about our promise_

**[4/5/2015 12:10:29 AM] The ASS BEAN Marrying Groom : that was in the past im afraid after the health inspectors review I figured we needed to make some changes and we couldn't deep throat the burger patties before cooking them**

**[4/5/2015 12:10:49 AM] The ASS BEAN Marrying Groom : i know its hard to feel without it but we can find a way ne hoy min oi**

 

_4/5/2015 12:15:00 AM] The ASS BEAN Marrying Bride: but...mr krabs........ what about the buns. can I still rub the rubs on ur shiny shell like I used to?? I thought we had something special_

 

**[4/5/2015 12:17:13 AM] The ASS BEAN Marrying Groom : hhhm u always have been a cheeky tempter it sounds so good my bodys telling me yes but but my heart is afraid to make such commitment how will i know u wont walk out on me again bc my nipples turn sideways when i get aroused? i cant help it. its a genetic thing. pearls mom loved it when my nipples did that it was a party trick i can do another involving a pineapple and a yoyo if u want but first i need u to prove that i can trust u how can i trust u?**

 

_[4/5/2015 12:19:10 AM] The ASS BEAN Marrying Bride: i'll show u something that nobody else knows my krab love... look. you see my clarinet?? its not really black. u can tell in these little shiny parts. its brown. it is my condensed squid poo. I blow my own poo. all the time. im afraid that youll leave me after I admit this... but... if you can share your sideways nipples, I feel I can trust u with my clarishit_

 

**[4/5/2015 12:22:13 AM] The ASS BEAN Marrying Groom : now that's just gross k thx bye /mr krabu kun rolls away but then looks back. he sees how sad squidward looks and doesn't want to hurt his feelings. also spongebob sucks at work so squidward needs to work there. reluctantly he walks back. the shit he has to get into in order to have someone stroke his scales. literally/ ahhh im just kidding u baka. i cud never leave u my dear husbando. thank u for sharing ur deepest darkest secret like that. it must be so tough for u ((aww they r so cute my feels!!1!11 huehue))**

 

_[4/5/2015 12:25:13 AM] The ASS BEAN Marrying Bride: im so relieved krab-kun. I thought we were finished. im so glad. please, blow on my shit clarinet to prove your love to me?? I want to see the joy in your eyes as you blow something that has passed through my mint, tentacle body_

 

**[4/5/2015 12:30:04 AM] The ASS BEAN Marrying Groom  : mr krabs heart pulsates in his crimson chest. the krab man wonders why the dokis has arrived in the chest cavity.**

**dun dun dun its not like he LIEKS SQUIDWARD OR ANYTHING/???**

**or does he**

**mr krabs shakes his head**

**ofc he doesn't like squidward and his....beautiful ...slimey..oily skin..and ...flab limbs...and bald head...and no pants**

**oH WHO IS HE KIDDING**

**HE LOVES SQUIDWARDO**

**the thought of putting so intimiate in his mouth makes krabs shiver in anticipationg**

**"ofc my dear sweet princess" purrs krabs,,,," i wud love ta take ya up on that"**

**"but first why don't u stomp on  ma nip nops and get me in the mood before i take u up on ur offer " krabs nipnops were already sticking out like large icicles outside of his chest. oh goodness deary!**

**krabs gave a cheeky wink and gestured to his nipnops like "they aint gonna stomp on themselves"**

 

_[4/5/2015 12:32:51 AM] The ASS BEAN Marrying Bride: squidward looked at the shiny, firetruck red crustacean. he pondered what he should do next. squidward had to play this out carefully if he wanted to be the dominatrix._

_"oh mr. krabs... I can't stomp ur nipnops until you blow my shit!" squidward exclaimed. he thrust his solidified clarinet forward and into the suspicious face of his beloved Eugene._

_"and if you do..." squidward offered, "i might stomp ur nipples in high heels..." he winked and made the most sultry face he could muster_

 

**[4/5/2015 12:38:31 AM | Edited 12:39:44 AM] The ASS BEAN Marrying Groom  : ooo hohohohohohohoohohhohoh**

**finally squidwario was taking charge. mr krabs loved a man who truly knew what he wanted, but he wasn't about to go down without a fight.**

**the underwater aquatic business man decided he would show the big meaty claws he truly had.**

**he raised them to squidwardos face while intently looking into the crystal eyes of the squid above him.**

 

**"did you really think it would be that easy sugar" he replied with a roll of his krab tongue.**

 

**"if you want me to blow your shit so badly why don't u make me. and then u are def gonna step on me nipnops or else the person writing this will godmod me to the extreme and force u to step on my nipnops or else she will block ur da account buckaroo"**

**mr krabs laughed lightly as now he was being a power bottom**

 

**all according to keikaku**

 

**translators note: keikaku means plan**

******  
**

 

_[4/5/2015 12:44:42 AM] The ASS BEAN Marrying Bride: squidward snorted and lifted his gleaming dome of a head. he turned his drooping nose up, and waved a tentacle into the air._

_ **** _

_"but krabs! I can blow my own clarinet. u cant stomp ur own nipnops. u need me more than I need u." squidward arched a cocky eyebrow. he looked down into the triangular face of the beauteous seafood standing beside him, peaking at the dip of crab cleavage between his skin and the creeping collar of his shirt._

_ **** _

_squidward waited patiently, or rather, impatiently. he imposed an air of confidence that said he could wait as long as needed for krabs to make the right decision, but inside his squid organs were twisting with erotic anticipation_

 

**[4/5/2015 12:53:02 AM] The ASS BEAN Marrying Groom  : mr krabs was never good at being put into a corner.**

**it seems mr krabs was at what might be considered a dilemma. he could do a few things here to get his way out.**

****

**he could either**

**a: rip off his own legs and stomp on them to prove to squidward that he was a reliable krab who didn't need no tentacle bae**

****

**b: no rly that's it. that's all krabs could do here.**

****

**mission Rip OFf Your oWN FUCKING LEGS in action**

**mr krabs let out a primal shriek and fell to the floor. he reached down and grabbed his tiny little peg leggies and tried to rip them off. gasping, wheezing, he struggled to remove the useless apendages.**

**mr krabs own nip nops started doing the salsa**

**drat. the legs wanted to stay.**

**well mr krabs thought haughtily. that meant to happen.**

**mr krabs is a liar.**

**this did not mean to happen.**

**this was not according to keikaku**

**gosh darn why cant i do anything right mr krabs thinks to himself sadly. he mustn't show his krab angst. its not like he cares what squidward thinks or anything.**

****

**mr krabs sighs and accepts his fate happily with a grin**

**"im ready to blow and finger ur throbbing shit tool"**

 

_[4/5/2015 1:00:13 AM] The ASS BEAN Marrying Bride: squidward watched the cone shaped boyfriend roll around on the floor in a stream of screeching and tugging at his tiny, pointed legs. he wondered if he should assist, and decided instead to watch what happened._

_mr krabs whispered to himself, "that meant to happen. oh, i'm a liar. this did not mean to happen. this is not according to keikaku."_

_squidward shrugged and since mr krabs was conveniently placed upon the krusty krab's grody wooden floors, he whipped his collared brown shirt over his hand and launched it onto his register boat._

_ ****** ** _

_"it's time to begin the sacrifice," squidward said darkly. he drew his shit clarinet from his invisible skin pocket where he stored all things too big to go in an actual pocket, and licked the tip as to lube it up for mr. krab's thin, dry lips._

_ ****** ** _

_he offered the clarinet to his lover head first, and saddled the mound of crab. as he looked on the cheerful face of his sexual partner, squidward noticed, at the edge of his vision, that krabs' nipnops were doing the salsa. squidward couldn't care less; I mean, here he was shoving a pressurized piece of shit in mr krabs beautiful face. maybe this was a mistake, squidward wondered to himself as he heard the out of context thought in his own mind._

_nervously, he was prepared to withdraw the shit clarinet and buy a new, real one. but, he couldn't let his emotions show on his thin tentacle bod. instead, he pretended everything was dandy, and continued to press the clarinet into mr krabs face and in the direction of his pie hole_

********  
** **

**[4/5/2015 1:10:34 AM] The ASS BEAN Marrying Groom  : mr krabs was suddenly pulled out of his thoughts of internal doom and despair and joe biden memes when he saw squidwards beautiful glistening skin sparkle against the florescent lighting of the restaurant.**

****

**the florescent lights flickered around them, he would have to force someone else to replace them. did this building have cameras? he actually hopes someone views the tapes bc hes that kinky a shit.**

****

**the two lovers were locked together in a passionate display of emotion and passion and some more emotion too. them, squidwards shit, and their love were on display for all to see. krab man uneasily glanced up toward his lover, but hearing his mellow seductive voice, he knew this was the right thing to do.**

****

**the sacrifice has begun.**

****

**the shiny meaty shit wad was lowered gently out to mr krabs like the fingers of a weird fat baby statue. mr krabs was much like a fat baby in that he had salsa nipples.**

****

**his nipples turned into fingers and held squidwards tentacles tightly in an act of reassurance that this.**

****

**this was according to keikaku.**

****

**mr krabs puckered his fleshy lips and gave the shitrod a kiss. then he smacked his lips together and kissed the very tip of the shit rod. he then opened his jaw and set the entire thing down against the front of his tongue. he shut his mouth and started humming an iggy azalea song. he remembered to puff out his cheeks to rly suck it good.**

**this tasted like a krusty krab burger. was squidward sure he set out the right clarinet? maybe if krabs bit down he would know for sure if this was shit or a patty.**

 

_[4/5/2015 1:18:10 AM] The ASS BEAN Marrying Bride: squidward watched in pure glee. he leaned forward, rubbing his junkless crotch over the bumpy surface of kr krabs shell to feel the friction he desperately craved. the sensuality with which mr krabs licked his shit rod was nearly too much. squidward was feeling an orgasm approaching. he was that weak and that uneducated in sex, which surprised many of his lovers he told, and then they broke up with him because they discovered why he was inexperienced: he had no dick._

_still, squidward felt the arousal in his nipples. he thanked god he sneaked krabby patties for three months straight ten years ago to create enough shit to form a proper clarinet. it was a blessing he had made such a discovery._

_this scene, filled with mr krabs love scented sweat, was an even better gift from the under the sea gods. Neptune was looking out for him for once, squidward decided._

 

_he placed one suction cup crowded tentacle on either side of mr krabs scaly cheeks, and began to massage them in a slow and even pattern. he worked his way down mr krabs thick neck. as he did squidward thought to himself that if mr krabs dick was anything like his neck, there was nothing to be disappointed about._

_squidward's hands dove into mr krabs thin shirt. they dug around for the location of the salsa dancing nipples, and once they discovered the nipples location, they fiercely twisted._

_ ****** ** _

_Squidward screamed over the horny white noise blaring in his ears, "ARE YOU FEELIN IT NOW MR KRABS"_

_ ******  
he continued wailing. this was his time** ** ** _

 

 

**4/5/2015 1:28:07 AM] The ASS BEAN Marrying Groom  : Mr Krabs felt the intensTIDDY in the air, the feeling in his very marrow of pure carnol lost. Warmth spread across his entire body everywhere except for his cheeks which felt like the skin on them were being ripped off.**

**It wasn't all that great,and he didn't understand why squidward was trying to rip his cheeks off but mr. krabs didn't want to hurt squidwards feelings. maybe he was trying to tell him to stroke the keys.**

**__ **

**he had trouble breathing through his nose due to the smell of shit/krabby patty so he had to open his mouth and pant a little into the rod before he kept going.**

**__ **

**"take..take off my shirt plz" he whined aggressively to his loving tentacle boyfriend.**

**__ **

**mr krabs involuntary gasped in the middle of his phrase. his nipples were no longer salsaing. they were twerking now. they hadn't twerked like this in years.**

**__ **

**mr krabs grunted and leaned his head back so his nipples could rotate with more space.**

**__ **

**finally mr krabs opening his glazed lust clouded eyes and saw that there was a suspicious liquid trailing from the shit clarinet. he popped the clarinet back in his mouth, but not before tickling the rim of the tip. he moved his meaty claws and fingered them thru the squids shit clarinet.**

**__ **

**he played a b flat major scale, a a minor arpeggio, he even made an improv jaz solo right there.**

**__ **

**the clarinet and squidward were singing in harmony. mr krabs could tell he and squiadward were reaching the end.**

**__ **

**due to the heat of the moment mr krabs was finally able to rip off his legs with his mind. they jumped inside his pants and stroked his big meaty claw. that's right. he had no dick. inside his pants was just another big meaty claw.**

**__ **

**meaty and ready to be pounded.**

**[4/5/2015 1:29:38 AM] The ASS BEAN Marrying Groom  : ''IM FEELING IT NOW"KRABS SHOUTED**

 

 

[ _4/5/2015 1:40:49 AM] The ASS BEAN Marrying Bride: squidward passionately used his tentacles to pull the fabric from krabs very body and launch it through the air. it landed with a wheeze on krabs office door, but squidward didn't care where it went. he was too focused on the beautiful body beneath him. he looked over the shiny skin with sinful eyes that contained volumes of lust._

_**** _

_squidward dove in with a manic smile and his tongue flapping about just beneath his nose. he layered mr krab's body in a think layer of saliva, and patted him dry bit by bit with his tentacles grabbing and releasing his gruff outer skin. squidward didn't care if there was a point to this; pressing his tentacles to things turned him on. why did spongebob think he grabbed the food trays with his palms? he lusted after the feeling of his suction cups on the smooth metal bottom._

_**** _

_squidwards suction cups meandered to krabs twerking nipples. they pressed flat against the beautiful pink nipple bodies, and squidward released the most desperate moan he had ever felt as they twerked against the inside of his suction things._

_**** _

_"ahh! i'm i'm gonna cum!" squidward cried. he didn't know what would happen, he had never ejaculated before. in fact, he had no plan past undressing krabs. he never thought he would get that far._

_**** _

_but here he was, ready to blow with whatever was coming ;) and spreading his many legs around each part of mr krabs. one of his legs gently removed the clarinet from kr krabs gentle lips, and squidward pressed his own flooding mouth to krabs'. he swirled his tongue around the inside of Eugene's cheeks and reveled in the after taste of his own shit lingering on mr krabs skin. this was his moment, he was ready to come._

_**** _

_"AhhhHhhHhhHhH~!" he bellowed. in elongated bursts, white fluid spread on mr krabs from his..._

 

 

**[4/5/2015 1:48:59 AM] The ASS BEAN Marrying Groom  : eyeballs**

**squidward was crying cum**

**now this was something mr krabs could get into.**

**he passionately shoved his tongue all the way through squidwards throat till he found what he was looking for. yes the vase. he knew it belonged there because he had them all surgiciallly implanted in all his coworkers throats.**

**mr krabs originally disliked the tentacles but now they were a nice soft sizzling feeling. he felt that with each pop of the tentacles against his flesh he was growing closer and closer to the special moment he had been waiting for.**

**he got the vase from out of squidwards mouth and set it against squidwards eyes to collect his cum.**

**he got the cum and poured it all over his thick meaty claw.**

**the one between his legs that is hoho.**

**his legs were kinda just flopping around uselessly now.well time to eat them. the legs will probably grow back later or something. maybe he can shit them back out and sew them on. science.**

**mr krabs lustfully nomed on the legs. yummy. now time to continue the sex.**

**"now ....squidward" moaned krabs in the most power bottomy way possible, "shake my hand with ur tentacles and then step on my nip nops my love. a deal is a deal"**

**krabs was shaking and his eyes were rolling in the back of his head. all he needed was for squidward to step on his nipnops and then finally**

**squidward would**

**hear**

**him**

**cum.**

 

 

_[4/5/2015 2:00:18 AM] The ASS BEAN Marrying Bride: squidward's orgasm ricocheted through his slimy body. he was dripping with post coital death, and his body quivered almost painfully. but, a deal was a deal he agreed._

_**** _

_he used his closest tentacles to extend into mr krabs extremely tight skinny jeans. he scrunched his way under the fabric loyally until he found what he was searching for._

_**** _

_an extremely meaty and pointy claw. squidwards excitement peaked again, and he shoved three tentacles around the beautiful limb. they twisted and gave the meaty claw a powerful indian burn, to which is arousal again responded as mr krabs cried out in a powerful bottom fashion._

_**** _

_squidward knew this was the most beautiful moment they had ever shared in their relationship, and that nothing could ruin such a perfect event. he placed his head on krabs' chest and looked longingly into mr. krab's beautiful bunny ear eyes. he watched mr krabs face turn a righteous shade of green, the same color as his beloved dollars, and the color spread through his system._

_**** _

_squidward heard the gasp that signified mr krabs was seconds, maybe moments, from exploding. he withdrew quickly, and moved on to the second phase of mr krabs orgasm explosion. squidward formed high heels from his own legs, arching four feet at a time to make two tree trunk like heels. squidward assumed he had eight legs, but he could never be sure._

_**** _

_so, with the assumption of eight, squidward delicately pressured his weight on mr krabs cracking shell. he raised his pointed foot and brought it down with all the strength left in him to muster. he slammed the heel into the nipples edge, and the nipnop deflated. it sunk back into krabs shell like a loose pucker of skin, and the other did the same as squidward forcefully jabbed into them. he smirked with satisfaction, and crossed his arms in a sassy pose despite the aroused sweat beading against his skin._

 

 

 **[4/5/2015 2:11:13 AM] The ASS BEAN Marrying Groom  : All of Mr. Krab's nerves inside him lit up and he tingled in pure ecstasy. A supernova of love, and a** **ffection crossed through Mr. Krab's mind.**

**The bliss was too raw, too powerful for Mr. Krabs to even think about. It was as a tidal wave of powerful sex power had echoed through Mr. Krabs's core. At this point, the scale tipped and he could endure no more pleasure. A few last words were choked out from Krabs as he bellowed**

**"HERE ME CUM"**

**His legs shot back out of his throat and reattached themselves to thighs. The deflated nipples suddenly started their excorisms to release the demon in krabs.**

**His rolled back eyes,but turned a pitch bubble gum pink that glittered. This is never explained in the plot. Mr krabs is a kawaii uke. Just roll with it ok.**

**His Big Meaty Claw squeezed and clenched futlessly at the air to try to shield squidward from the upcoming slaughter of gooey love juice.**

**Then decided nah fuck it squidward probably wants this.**

**GOOEY SOAPY GOODNESS SPLASHED OUT AT KRABS FROM HIS...**

  


**FINGERNAILS ON HIS CLAWS.**

**THEY SHOT LIKE SPIDERMAN WEBS EVERYWHERE.**

  


**woo screaming sound effects and confetti**

**u did it champ**

**mr krabs was beat in multiple meanings of the word. while squidward could look cool it was very difficult for the krab as he had literally just eaten his legs and them vomited them back up or something? it's been a long day. shakily he smiles before slipping into beautiful coma sleep right there in front of his dominatrix seme with the sexe heels.**

 

 

_[4/5/2015 2:19:31 AM] The ASS BEAN Marrying Bride: Squidward squeals in shocked pleasure. he is delighted to discover mr krabs has fingernails in the first place, and basks in the kawaii goo of his love. he thrusts his body back and forth in the raw sexual puss filling the air and his mouth. squidward is gulping back drop after drop of the delicious fluid, and praying to the god Neptune that it never stop._

_**** _

_but eventually, all good things must come to an end. squidward feels the spray of delicious pink love soften and then fall to the floor, and squidward knows the time has come to finish entirely. he paces the krusty krab floor to gather their clothes without wiping a drop of mr krabs beautiful glitter from his skin. he tugs his shirt on over his pinkened body, and tosses mr krabs shirt to him._

_**** _

_squidwards enamor is fading, and fast. soon it descends into the full on depressive state he exists in as his resting nature. he sighs, a harmony of soft whistles breezing from his hanging nostrils, and declares in his darkest voice, "I hate Mondays."_

_**** _

_he looks at the crab incapacitated on the ground. without a goodbye, squidward passes through the krusty krabs front doors. he whispers under his breath as he makes the lengthy walk to his face shaped home, "au revoir..."_

_**** _

_he looks silently into the moon's steady light. he imagines he sees mr krabs winking back at him in recognition. if only he had the guts to admit his true feelings were not only lust for the crab's body and friends with benefits, but a deep, meaningful relationship. squidward sighs and pats a piece of his bald fringe down with a dramatic and angsty gloom._

_**** _

_tomorrow is Tuesday._

 

 

 **[4/5/2015 2:22:09 AM] Th** **e ASS BEAN Marrying Groom  : mr krabs dreams of eggplants**

**the end**

******  
**

_ **********  
** ** ** _

******  
**

**Author's Note:**

> (ര̀ᴗര́)و ̑̑  
> u did it champ


End file.
